


Broken But Still Good

by emdaro



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Eventual Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, First War with Voldemort, Friends to Lovers, Harry Potter was Raised by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:32:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emdaro/pseuds/emdaro
Summary: “Lily and James…they’re gone, Remus.”Where Sirius gets to Godric's Hollow before Hagrid does, takes Harry, and doesn't really care what Dumbledore has to say about it. Oh, and his painful past with Remus is brought up again because Remus is supposed to help him raise Harry.





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius was at headquarters in London when he got the news.

It hit him like a punch to the gut. Hands were on him, forcing him into a chair and whispering words of comfort. He could vaguely hear someone crying in the background but he couldn’t tell who it was. _Murder in Godric’s Hollow. Hagrid going to investigate. Three Killing Curses and explosion._ The words of Dumbledore’s Patronus rang in his head and he was seriously having trouble breathing. He got to his feet and shoved away the hands that tried to pull him back down. He wheeled around and came face to face with Frank Longbottom, who looked just as ill as Sirius felt.

“I’m going.” The words left no room for argument. He trusted Hagrid but he was not going to rely on someone else to tell him what happened. Frank looked like he wanted to argue but then just nodded and pulled away, going to comfort Alice who was holding baby Neville tight against her and crying quietly. Sirius walked out of headquarters and got onto his bike. The engine roared to life and he set off, rising into the night sky. Maybe it wasn’t them. There were plenty of wizards and witches in Godric’s Hollow. They had been well hidden and Dumbledore himself had seen to it that they were protected. He almost managed to convince himself that it wasn’t them, that he’d get to Godric’s Hollow and see that they were fine. Lily and James would be fast asleep, along with Harry or maybe one of them would be up to check on him. They’d open the door when they heard Sirius knocking and laugh at him for thinking anything had happened. Lily would hug him and James would-

His thoughts broke off as the bike cruised towards Earth. He could see the hole in the side of the house as he landed the bike and he knew it was hopeless. He climbed off the bike and raced towards the front door, seeing it slightly ajar. He hesitated. He knew what he would find inside and Sirius wasn’t sure if he was ready to face it. He sucked in a deep breath and opened the door.

His blood ran cold as he saw the body lying on the floor in the entryway. Of course James had tried to fight him off, give Lily and Harry time to escape. He knelt next to his friend and stared at him for a moment, memories flashing through his mind. James, befriending him on the Hogwarts Express. James, fiercely determined as they researched how to become animagi. James, taking Sirius in when his family disowned him. James, asking him to be Harry’s godfather. Sirius blinked back the tears in his eyes and reached forward, slowly closing James’ eyes so he wouldn’t have to see the vacant expression on his friend’s face. He got to his feet and walked upstairs, to Harry’s nursery. That’s where the hole had been blasted. His hand trembled slightly on his wand as he neared the top of the stairs, then he froze. Was that…crying? He ran up the rest of the stairs and into the nursery. Relief filled him as he saw Harry, crying as loudly as he possibly could but _alive._ Sirius crossed the room and lifted his godson into his arms, soothing him gently. He looked down and his stomach dropped to the floor again. Lily was lying there, expression just as vacant as James’. He knelt down and closed her eyes, then got to his feet again. He walked around the room and grabbed the diaper bag, filling it with some of Harry’s toys and clothes. He didn’t look down at Lily again. He couldn’t break down, not when he had to look after Harry. He grabbed the toy broomstick he’d sent to Harry and walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding James as he walked into the study. He whispered the password to the safe he knew James had hidden behind a painting and grabbed the copy of their will. He already knew what was inside. Instructions that everything was to be left to Harry, with Sirius in charge of it until Harry was 17. Remus was to get a monthly sum for when he didn’t have a job. Sirius was Harry’s legal guardian, he was to raise him with help from Remus. He tucked the papers into the bag and walked outside, movements almost mechanical. He kept his thoughts on Harry, the boy who was now staring up at Sirius with confusion. “Pad?”

Sirius couldn’t help but smile a bit. James had been trying to teach Harry how to say Padfoot for ages. He kissed Harry’s forehead as he climbed onto the bike, securing Harry into the sidecar he specifically added so Harry could ride with him. He silently apologized to Lily, who had glared at him every time he brought up taking Harry on a ride. He started the engine and rose into the air. He glanced down at Harry, who was already starting to fall asleep. The roar of the engine didn’t seem to bother him. Sirius soared back towards headquarters, keeping a watchful eye out for anyone who might try to harm them. He landed in front of the building and walked inside. More people had arrived since he left. They were all talking loudly, discussing the events of the night. Sirius closed the door behind him and turned to face the room, Harry cradled in his arms and the bag slung over one shoulder. The room fell silent, every eye drawn to them.

Alice was the first one to step forward. She held out her arms for Harry and Sirius shied away. “Isn’t anyone going to ask me the question?” His voice was hoarse.

Alastor Moody walked forward, the thunk of his walking stick echoing around the silent room. “What did James say to the Prewett brothers when they questioned your loyalty because of your family?”

Sirius’ breath left his body. It had been when they first suspected someone in the Order was a traitor. The Prewetts had let their eyes linger on Sirius just a bit too long as they discussed it and James had gone off.

“Sirius would rather die than betray us and if you’re thinking that it’s him you can fuck off.” Sirius recalled, the faintest trace of a smile on his face.

Alastor stepped back then and Sirius fell into one of the chairs. He glared at Alice as she tried to take Harry again. “Alice, I love you but I’m not giving him to anyone else.” He took a deep breath. He had to tell everyone what had happened. “We had a traitor. It was Peter.”

A few people looked at him with disbelief. He could hear people muttering, a few soft curses, and then silence again. “We switched at the last minute. I- fuck, this is all my fault. I convinced James to switch to Peter. I thought it would be safer, he’d be the less obvious choice. Everyone knew I was Harry’s godfather and James’ best friend. I never imagined that…” Tears burned in his eyes and Sirius blinked them away. Guilt washed over him. “I know my word on this isn’t enough. Not even Dumbledore knew we switched. Someone can give me Veritaserum or something. It’s the truth.”

The door burst open and everyone jumped, half the room pointing their wands at the newcomer. Remus Lupin stood there, looking like he’d just woken up. His robes looked like they had been pulled on hastily and his cloak was at an awkward angle. “What’s going on? I got the message, what’s this about?”

Sirius felt like he’d been punched, he didn’t hear Remus’ answer to the security question Alastor asked. Remus didn’t know. He realized that everyone was looking at him. Of course they would expect him to deliver the news, Remus had been one of them. One of the Marauders. He got to his feet, still holding Harry. Remus seemed to notice them then. His face lit up for a moment at seeing Harry, then his expression morphed into one of confusion. He handed Harry to Alice.

“If anything happens to him, I will hold you personally responsible.” Sirius said quietly. Alice nodded and rocked Harry gently. Sirius walked over to Remus and pulled him down the hall, into the kitchen.

Remus stared at Sirius, obviously trying to piece it together. “Padfoot? What’s going on? Why is Harry here?”

Sirius took a deep breath. “Lily and James…they’re gone, Remus.”

Remus’ face went blank and Sirius caught him as he staggered forward. “How?” Remus choked out after a moment. “Dumbledore said he was protecting them.”

Sirius explained everything to him, trying to keep his voice steady. He wanted to grab his wand, find Peter, and avenge his friends. He forced himself to stay where he was. He had to protect Harry. He had to be there for Remus. He helped Remus sit down at the kitchen table.

Remus looked up at him finally, white faced. “I can’t believe Peter…” He trailed off. Sirius heard the door open and close again, then heard a shout. He drew his wand and ran to the living room, Remus hot on his heels. He saw Hagrid in a heated argument with Frank and ran forward, snatching a crying Harry away from Alice.

Hagrid turned to Sirius. “I’m here for Harry. Dumbledore’s orders.”

Sirius shook his head immediately. “Not a chance, Hagrid. Dumbledore can come and talk to me. I’m his legal guardian now.”

Hagrid wiped his eyes. He had obviously been crying. “Sirius I’ve got to. Dumbledore knows what he’s doin’ and he’ll make sure Harry’s safe.”

“He’s safe with us.” It wasn’t Sirius who spoke, but Remus. He edged in front of Sirius, putting a physical barrier between Hagrid and Harry. Sirius was surprised when a few other people joined them, some drawing their wands.

“Harry’s not going anywhere.” Sirius said firmly, from behind the wall of people.

Hagrid nodded reluctantly and noisily blew his nose. “Someone’ll have to send a message to him then.”

The people in front of Sirius relaxed then and Emmeline walked off to send the message. Sirius sat down on the sofa and looked down at Harry, who was only sniffling then. “Hey, little man. It’s okay.” He tickled Harry’s sides gently and the toddler giggled, reaching out to grab at Sirius’ hair.

Remus walked into the room and Harry squealed with delight. Sirius set him down and Harry toddled across the room, falling into Remus’ legs. “Moony!”

Remus smiled faintly at Harry. Sirius remembered the bag and stood to retrieve it from the entryway. He set out a few toys to occupy the toddler and set Harry on the floor. When he was sure Harry was distracted, he turned to Remus. “I’m his legal guardian.”

Remus nodded. His face had regained a little of its color. “What are you going to do?”

Sirius took a deep breath. “For now? Stay wherever it’s safest. But I’m not letting him out of my sight for a while. Once everything dies down…well, I’ll figure it out.”

Alice walked in. “Frank and I are making breakfast. Do you two want anything?”

Breakfast? Sirius checked the time. It was half past five in the morning. He nodded a bit at Alice, little though he wanted to eat. “Yeah. What about-“

“I’ll get him some cereal and some fruit. That’s what we give Neville a lot of mornings. They’re the same age.” She smiled reassuringly at Sirius.

“Thank you.” Sirius looked down at Harry, who was curled up with the stuffed stag James had bought when he was born. The boy was fast asleep again. Sirius slowly lifted him up, careful not to jostle him.

“There’s a crib down the hall, in the same room with Neville. I can take him there.” Alice didn’t add on that the crib had been put there specifically for Harry. Sirius only hesitated a moment before handing him over. She walked out and Sirius fell back onto the couch. The full weight of what was happening hit him. James and Lily were dead. Sirius was responsible for a baby. Tears fell down his cheeks, hot and fast. He didn’t try and stop them.

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, holding him tightly. “Sirius, Sirius, shh…” Tears dripped down his own face.

“They’re gone, Remus.” Sirius was on his way to a full on breakdown. “They’re fucking gone. I can’t…” His breathing was ragged. “James…”

Remus held Sirius tighter. It was just them, they had nothing but each other. And Harry, of course.


	2. Chapter 2

After a short breakfast, Sirius retreated into the room Harry was in. He laid down on the floor beside Harry’s crib and was asleep in minutes, thanks to a potion Alice gave him. He woke up a few hours later when he heard Harry start to stir and checked the time. It was 9:25, three and a half hours sleep was better than nothing. He lifted Harry into his arms. “Hey, little man.”

Harry looked up at Sirius and yawned, curling up against his chest. “Hungwy.”

Sirius smiled and carried Harry out to the main room. He walked into the kitchen and set Harry down in the high chair. He searched through the cabinets until he found some Cheerios and waved his wand. A bowl appeared in front of Harry and the box hovered in the air, dumping a reasonable amount into the bowl. Sirius looked in the fridge and found a few pieces of melon. He waved his wand and those flew over, settling down on the tray in front of Harry. The toddler clapped his hands happily and began to eat. Sirius sat down at the table, sighing heavily.

Alice walked into the room with Neville on her hip, humming quietly. “Oh. I wondered where you two had gone.” She smiled at him and conjured up another high chair, identical to the first. She set Neville in it and repeated the same process Sirius had. The two children babbled to each other as they ate, in their own little world. Alice sat down across from Sirius and waved her wand. The kettle flew across the room and filled with water, before settling on the stove. With another flick of her wand the stove came on.

“Sirius?” Alice reached over and took his hand. She rubbed her thumb across his knuckles in a comforting way. He remembered when Alice was a Prefect and constantly exasperated with the four friends. She and Frank were two years above the Marauders. It felt like a different life. Alice still had the same happy, round face but it was different. Hardened, in a way. The war did that to people.

Sirius broke out of his thoughts and realized Alice had been speaking the entire time. “Sorry, I…I got distracted. Can you repeat that?”

She gave him a look, the same look she used to when he was up to something. “I said that Frank went into the office to file a report on Pettigrew. He’s going to lead the search for him.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “Hagrid is taking care of…the bodies.” Her voice shook slightly but she took a deep breath and continued. “I’m staying here today. I thought I could help with Harry and maybe he could play with Neville.” Her voice picked up a bit at the end. “Everyone is in an uproar. Frank went by the house and said reporters were camped out in the front garden.” She laughed slightly.

Sirius listened to her speak, nodding slightly. He looked over at her. “Alice, I…I don’t know what I’m doing. With Harry. I’m his godfather but I have no idea how to take care of him full time. I don’t want to mess up.”

“Sirius, everyone is scared they’re going to mess up when it comes to children.” Alice said calmly. She gave his hand another squeeze. “You love that little boy more than anything, I can tell from the way you look at him. You’ll do fine. I can help you and I can introduce you to Molly Weasley. She has a son that’s just a couple months older than Harry and another that was just born in August. She was at the Prewett’s funeral, their sister? Big family, red hair?”

Sirius could vaguely remember the red headed family and the heavily pregnant woman who appeared to be their mother. “Yeah, I think I remember.”

“She’s wonderful. We’ve worked with her husband a few times, he’s helped us out with cursed Muggle objects. We can have them over for dinner once everything calms down and the three of them can play. Her son’s name is Ron I think.”

Sirius nodded again. The kettle whistled and Alice got to her feet, preparing the tea the Muggle way. She set one mug down in front of Sirius and took her seat again. After a few moments of silence, Sirius spoke again. “Alice, do you think that Dumbledore will try and take him from me?”

Alice was quiet for a moment, sipping her tea. She set the mug down on the table and looked up at Sirius. “He’ll have to go through me first.”

Sirius smiled slightly, for the first time that day. “Thank you.”

“PAD!” Harry flung the bowl onto the floor and smiled widely at Sirius. He had finished his food. He kicked his legs and Sirius went over to him, lifting him out of his highchair. Alice did the same for Neville.

“I’ve got Neville’s playpen set up in the living room. Why don’t we move out there?” Alice suggested. Sirius nodded and followed her, depositing Harry in the playpen next to Neville. He sat on the couch and accepted the cup of tea Alice had retrieved from the kitchen.

Alice was quiet for a few minutes, staring at her son. “I have some pictures for you. Frank loved photography at Hogwarts and you four…you were always at the center of everything. There are also some of just the two of them. We used to double date so Frank would take their picture.” She looked over at him, eyes slightly red. “We can look through them together. When you’re ready.”

Sirius nodded. “I…I suppose I’ll have to plan the funeral.”

Alice shook her head. “Don’t worry about that. I’m sure that no one expects you to. Frank and I can handle it.”

“No, they’re family. It has to be me.” Sirius sighed.

Alice looked like she wanted to argue but didn’t, which Sirius was grateful for. She set her mug down once she was finished and leaned over, resting her head on Sirius’ shoulder and wrapping her arm around his elbow. “You aren’t alone, Sirius. Don’t ever think you are.”

Sirius felt his emotions rising to the surface and tears prickling in his eyes. “I know, Alice.” The unspoken thank you was loud and clear. He looked up as Remus walked into the room, his stomach giving an unpleasant lurch. “Hey.”

Remus walked over and sat down on the other side of Sirius. He stared down at Harry with a soft expression on his face. “What are you two talking about?”

“Nothing much.” Alice got to her feet. “Tea, Remus? Or something to eat?”

“No, Alice. Thank you.” Remus leaned back against Sirius, who flinched away from the contact. She walked into the kitchen, leaving Neville to play with Harry.

“I think we’ll be moving out of London.” Sirius was the first to speak. “Not back there, obviously.” He couldn’t imagine ever returning to Godric’s Hollow. “Somewhere where he can be happy. He’s going to be famous, Remus, before he can even understand the word. I want to keep him away from that. I think it’s what they would have wanted.”

“You’re going to take him away?” Sirius looked over at Remus and saw his stricken expression.

“Moony, hey, relax. You’ll be coming with us.” Sirius said calmly. He was anything but. Lily and James had made it clear they were to raise Harry together but that was before, back when Sirius and Remus were still together.

“What?” Remus frowned. “I shouldn’t be living with a child, not around the full moon…”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “We’ll have Alice or someone watch him on the moon. Remus, he needs both of us. They made it very clear to me that I was to have you help me.” He didn’t mention it was before Remus left. It didn’t matter. James and Lily wanted them to raise him together and that was the end of it. Sirius was going to honor their wishes.

“They wanted me to help?” The shock in Remus’ voice was evident. He stared at Sirius, bewildered someone would trust him with their child.

Sirius snorted slightly. “Of course they did. Remus, you were family to them.” _You were family to me too, once._ Sirius pushed the thought out of his mind. It didn’t matter anymore. Remus had made his choice over a year ago. Sirius was over it.

Remus nodded. “Alright then.”

Sirius looked down at Harry, finding it easier than looking at Remus. He remembered his breakdown from earlier in the morning and blushed slightly. “Sorry about before, falling apart and everything.” He kept his eyes on Harry as he spoke.

“Don’t be. I think…I think we both needed it.” Remus replied softly.

Sirius glanced over at Remus. It had been almost a year since they had spent more than a few minutes together, outside of Order meetings. He hadn’t really taken in his appearance, the night before had been too crazy. He was as handsome as Sirius remembered, albeit a bit more scarred. His frame seemed skinnier and he looked hardened, the same as Alice. The same kind features were there, just a bit less obvious. He looked tired too. Sirius wondered again what kind of missions Dumbledore had been sending him on. They weren’t allowed to ask about it. Sirius looked away as Remus caught his eye and coughed awkwardly. “Maybe Hogsmeade or near Ottery St Catchpole. There are a lot of wizard families there.”

Remus nodded. “The Weasleys live near there. So do the Lovegoods and the Diggorys.”

“It’d be nice for Harry to be around other kids.” Sirius replied quietly. “I think we need to make his life as normal as possible.” He thought back to when his life was normal, before Remus left. “That includes not walking out, you know.” He wanted to take the words back as soon as they left his mouth but couldn’t.

Remus’ face was stricken. “Sirius, I…”

He trailed off as Alice walked into the room. She ignored the odd tension in the room, instead placing a few more toys in the playpen. “What are you two going to do today?”

Sirius shrugged. “I’m staying here. Dumbledore will probably want to speak to me at some point.” He got to his feet. “I’m actually going to have a shower. Keep an eye on Harry, Remus.” He walked out of the room, ignoring the hurt look Remus was sending his way.

~

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Sirius did his best to avoid Remus and ignore the nagging guilt he was feeling. He was right, after all. Remus couldn’t walk out on Harry, not like he walked out on Sirius. The poor child needed stability, a somewhat normal upbringing. If Remus couldn’t commit to that, Sirius was happy to do it on his own.

At around 4:00, members of the Order started to trickle in. Some brought food, while others brought bottles of Firewhiskey. Dedalus Diggle showed up with fireworks. Everyone was talking excitedly, laughing, eating snacks. The war was over. Voldemort was gone and his followers scattered. Those placed under the Imperius Curse were coming back to themselves. The mood was joyous and Sirius couldn’t have been more miserable. He was sitting on the couch between Emmeline Vance and Alice. Frank was sitting on the floor in front of them, playing with Neville and Harry. Mostly Neville, as everyone wanted a chance to hold Harry. Sirius kept a watchful eye on his godson, making sure that he didn’t get hurt. The party didn’t get into full swing until around 7:00, when almost the full Order had arrived. Sirius put Harry to bed then, over the protests of everyone who hadn’t held him yet. He tucked Harry in and Alice followed with Neville moments later. He walked out of the room once Harry was asleep and poured himself a drink.

 _Stupid people,_ Sirius thought bitterly, _celebrating when two of us are dead._ He downed his drink and turned to pour another, stopping as the room fell silent. He turned and sighed. Albus Dumbledore was standing in the doorway, accompanied by Minerva McGonagall. He set the bottle down and walked forward.

“I didn’t do it.” Sirius said before Dumbledore could speak. He felt a little uncomfortable as Dumbledore stared at him but continued. “I would have never sold them to Voldemort. It was Peter.” He explained about switching Secret-Keepers, aware of the eyes on him.

Dumbledore was silent for a few moments after Sirius stopped speaking. “I believe you, Mr. Black, for the simple reason that I do not think young Harry would be here if you were lying.” He beckoned for Sirius to follow him to the kitchen, McGonagall on his heels. Sirius glanced at Alice, who immediately got to her feet and went to the nursery. He then followed Dumbledore to the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table across from him and McGonagall. Remus joined them a few moments later, sitting so close to Sirius their thighs were almost touching.

“Would you like a lemon drop?” Dumbledore asked, unwrapping some kind of sweet.

“A what?” Sirius and McGonagall said at the same time, causing Dumbledore to chuckle.

“They’re a kind of Muggle sweet I’m rather fond of.”

Sirius sighed in frustration. “Professor, let’s get to the point. You aren’t taking Harry anywhere.”

Dumbledore was quiet a few moments, until he finished his lemon drop. “I have a safer alternative to you two. Harry would have a unique protection in this house, one he would not be able to get elsewhere.”

“Who would be taking him?” Remus asked quietly.

“Lily’s sister, Petun-“

Sirius jumped to his feet, his chair almost toppling over. “Petunia?! Like hell. She hated Lily and James, their child is not going to her.”

“It would be a protection that not even I could provide. Only Petunia could.” Dumbledore said gently.

“Albus, I do not think that this is a good idea.” It was not Sirius or Remus who spoke, but Professor McGonagall. Her voice calmed Sirius more than anything. He sat down, Remus’ hand finding his almost immediately. He stiffened but didn’t pull away. “I watched those people all day and they’re the worst sort of Muggles.”

“We’re more family to him than she ever could be.” Sirius said quietly. “I’m his legal guardian in any case and you can’t take him from me.”

Dumbledore sighed and bowed his head. “Your stubbornness is blinding you, Mr. Black. Harry would be safer-“

“From Death Eaters, maybe.” Sirius interrupted again. “There are worse things.” He thought back to his own upbringing, cold Walburga and indifferent Orion. He shuddered to think of Harry going through the same thing. “No. It’s not going to happen.”

Dumbledore fell silent then, unwrapping another lemon drop. “You will be provided with every protection possible, at least until the last of the Death Eaters are caught.”

Sirius nodded. “Fine. Is that all?”

Dumbledore got to his feet. Sirius bit his lip. “Professor, there’s something else. Peter Pettigrew…he’s an Animagus. So am I.” He explained the situation quickly, feeling a little ashamed. They had broken about fifty school rules and a few laws, after all.

Dumbledore stared at Sirius, a little of the old twinkle returning to his eye. “I am not your teacher anymore, so I cannot give you detention or expel you. I will however, smooth things over at the Ministry and handle your registration. Thank you for telling me.” He swept out of the room, leaving a stunned Sirius behind.

McGonagall cleared her throat. “I must admit, I knew what the three of you were attempting.”

Sirius smiled a bit at his old Head of House. “I know, Professor. We figured that all those extra lessons on animagi during fourth year weren’t a coincidence.” He laughed weakly.

“No need to call me Professor. Minerva will do just fine.” She smiled back at him slightly, then got to her feet. “I must say, I was impressed when you accomplished it.” She seemed to grapple with something for a moment. “While you three never failed to infuriate me, Mr. Potter was…” She dabbed at her eyes. “He was a special student. So were you two.”

Sirius was floored. He reached across the table and squeezed her hand in his for a moment, then dropped it. “You were a special teacher, Minerva.”

Minerva pulled herself up. “May I see Harry?”

Sirius nodded quickly and led her upstairs, straight to the nursery. He watched as she carefully lifted the baby into her arms, holding him close. She stood there like that for a few minutes, just rocking a sleeping Harry. She then placed him back in the crib and the two of them left the nursery.

“I’ll be in touch soon. Stay safe.” She said to him and Remus, then swept out of the house.

Sirius leaned back against the wall. He could hear the sounds of the party, even though he was a floor above the festivities. There was a shattering of glass and a loud cheer. He didn’t have the energy to pretend to enjoy it anymore, not that he had been trying much before.

Remus seemed to have the same feeling. “There are extra bedrooms.” He grabbed Sirius’ arm and tugged him down the hall, stopping in front of two doors. “Take your pick.”

Sirius opened the closest one, glancing at Remus. “Goodnight, Remus.” He said after a moment or two of awkward silence.

Remus nodded, his expression unreadable. “Goodnight, Padfoot.” He turned and went into the other room, closing the door behind him. Sirius stood there for a few moments before turning and going into his own room. He stripped down to his boxers and collapsed into bed. As exhausted as he was, Sirius had trouble falling asleep. When he did finally doze, images of James and Lily's bodies filled his mind, along with images from a night over a year ago. The night Remus left him. The night his world fell apart the first time. 


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days passed in a blur. Sirius’s twenty second birthday came and went, without much fuss. Alice made a cake for dinner and he received a few small presents, but he didn’t think too much about it. He could only think of James and Lily, how his friends should have been there celebrating with him. James always made a huge deal of his birthday, to compensate for his lack of celebration the first eleven years of his life. He’d make the entirety of Gryffindor sing Happy Birthday to Sirius, force Sirius to wear a ridiculous party hat around all day, and his three friends always bought him presents. His parents had never done any of that. So Sirius’ twenty second birthday was just a painful reminder of what he’d lost. He was glad to crawl into bed when it was over.

Preparations for the funeral began the day after Sirius’ birthday. It would be held in the church at Godric’s Hollow, with Lily and James to be buried in the graveyard behind it. Open casket. Anyone was welcome at the service in the church, but the actual burial was to be only close friends. Sirius just nodded along with what Alice and Frank suggested. He helped as much as he could, but there were some points where he had to walk away. When they were picking out pictures, he had trouble breathing. He got up after seeing one of James and him at the wedding and walked out of the room. Frank and Alice picked out the rest of the pictures. Sirius would give the eulogy. It all blurred together, from picking out flower arrangements to meeting the tiny wizard who would be doing the service. Sirius felt unbearable grief at some points, then anger, then at some points he felt nothing at all. Harry kept him grounded. Without Harry, Sirius thought he might have just up and left.

Three days before the funeral there was a knock on the door of headquarters. Eyes immediately turned to the door and wands were drawn. No one that knew the location of headquarters knocked. Kingsley was finally the one to walk forward, opening the door. He stepped aside, a bit bewildered. Standing there was a thin, bony looking woman with wide, pale eyes and mousy brown hair. Sirius recognized her immediately from pictures Lily had shown him.

“Petunia?” He raised an eyebrow, voice bewildered.

Petunia stepped into the room, looking nervously at the wands pointed at her. “I…Albus Dumbledore…he sent an owl. I was told to come to this address. Something’s happened?”

Sirius glanced over at Remus. “Why don’t you come into the sitting room?” Remus asked, trying to be polite. The members of the Order scattered, going back to helping Alice in the kitchen or their rooms. Remus and Sirius led Petunia to the sitting room, where she sat stiffly on one of the chairs. Remus and Sirius sat on the couch opposite her.

“Can I offer you tea?” Remus asked, still trying to be a good host.

Petunia shook her head quickly. “No, no, I need to be going soon. What does she want?”

Sirius snorted, quickly becoming angry. His emotions were so close to the surface that it wasn’t hard to get a rise out of him. Remus shot him a look before turning back to Petunia. “Petunia, Lily and James…they were killed last Saturday.”

Petunia’s face went pale. “What…What do you mean?”

“They were murdered. I’m sure Lily must have talked about the war.” Remus sighed as Petunia nodded hesitantly. “Her and James were targeted for death by Lord Voldemort. We tried to hide them but we were betrayed.”

Petunia looked down at her hands. “What about their son?”

“Harry is alive.” Remus replied calmly.

“Where is he? Who’s taking care of him?”

“We are.” Remus gestured to himself and Sirius. “Sirius was his godfather and we were both named Harry’s guardians.”

“But…I’m family. Shouldn’t I-”

“Yeah and you handled having a magical person in the family so well before.” Sirius interjected. He laughed humorlessly. “Remus and I are more family to that boy than you could ever be.”

“Sirius!” Remus hissed, looking highly uncomfortable. Sirius didn’t care though.

Petunia’s lips went thin and she nodded coldly. “I suppose there’s going to be a funeral then.”

Remus nodded. “I’ll write down the details for you.” He got to his feet and left the room.

The silence was awkward, to say the least. Sirius didn’t look at Petunia, who seemed quite agitated. She fiddled with the strap on her handbag and looked relieved when Remus walked in, a bit of parchment in his hand. “Thank you.” She got to her feet and walked towards the exit. She hesitated in the doorway. “Their son, Harry- is he alright?” She didn’t turn around as she spoke.

“He’s fine.” Sirius replied tersely. She nodded and left quickly, the front door closing behind her with a click.

Remus looked over at Sirius. “You could have been a little bit nicer.”

“No, I really couldn’t have.” Sirius shook his head. “She wanted nothing to do with Lily and James, she can live with the guilt that she treated her sister like rubbish. I don’t care.” He got to his feet.

“Sirius, they were family. Just like James and you.”

Sirius spun around, his face aghast. “Don’t you dare compare James and I to them ever again. I mean it, Remus.” His anger was apparent in his voice. “I was James’ brother more than she was Lily’s sister.”

Remus nodded slowly. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.” He glanced up at Sirius. “I’m sorry, Padfoot.”

The nickname did nothing to calm Sirius. He walked out of the room and into the nursery, where Harry was playing with Neville. He picked his godson up and held him close.

“Pad! Pad!” Harry squealed excitedly, holding tightly to Sirius. He grabbed fistfuls of Sirius’ hair and giggled.

Sirius carefully extracted his hair from Harry’s grasp. His anger dissipated as he held the boy. “Hiya, Harry.” He nuzzled their noses together, sending Harry into another fit of giggles.

Frank looked up from the book he was reading and smiled slightly at the two of them. His eyes were tired. “Hey, Sirius.”

Sirius managed a tiny smile back. “Hi.” He set Harry down in the playpen and watched as the two toddlers began to play. “How’s it going, Frank?”

Frank shrugged. “It’s alright. Work is…well, it’s bloody hard right now. We’ve found quite a few Death Eaters but no sign of Peter yet.” He bit his lip. “Alice and I are going to head home after the funeral. Reckon it’s safe enough now, you know?”

Sirius nodded. He and Remus had settled on Ottery St Catchpole to live in. They hadn’t found a house yet, they were waiting until after the funeral. “I reckon we’ll be leaving pretty soon after that too.” Headquarters was nice, but Sirius knew that after the funeral it would be time to move on. He wanted to keep things as normal as possible for Harry and that meant living in their own home, without a constant stream of people going in and out.

Frank smiled a bit. “It’ll be good for you guys. We’ll still have to meet up though, I don’t think Neville would want to be apart from Harry for long.”

Sirius nodded. The two boys had developed a close friendship over the last week, which Sirius and Remus both thought was a good thing. Harry needed friends his own age. “Yeah, same with Harry.”

“How are you doing, Sirius?”

Sirius thought for a moment. “I’m…I’m getting by.” He finally replied.

Frank nodded. “I just still can’t believe it. It all feels unreal.”

Sirius sat next to Frank and nodded. “It comes and goes, you know? Sometimes I feel so angry and upset, I could break something. Then I just feel numb.” He didn’t know why he was opening up to Frank. The other man had always had a patient, friendly disposition that put people at ease, Sirius included.

Frank sighed. “Sirius…I don’t even know what you must be going through. I’m having a hard time and I hadn’t seen them since they went into hiding. They…They didn’t deserve this.”

Sirius nodded. “None of us did.” He replied softly, staring at Harry.

Frank wiped his eyes hurriedly. “Oh, Alice went and picked up some dress robes for Remus and you. Just simple black ones, nothing fancy. She got an outfit for Harry as well.”

“She didn’t have to do that.” Sirius was once again struck by how kind the Longbottoms were. Alice and Frank had been incredible, so gracious and caring towards Sirius, Remus, and Harry.

“We know, but you two have enough on your plate already.” Frank waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.”

Sirius stared at his godson a little while longer before he spoke. “Tuesday is going to suck.”

Frank grimaced. “Yeah. No other way to put it, it’s going to be hard.”

Sirius stared down at his hands, thinking about what he’d have to do. Bury his best friends, his brother. He didn’t know if he had the strength to.

 

~

 

Tuesday arrived, grey and rainy. Sirius woke up and felt entirely numb. His movements felt mechanical the entire morning. Get dressed, eat breakfast, get Harry ready, feed Harry breakfast. He climbed into the fireplace with the toddler in his arms and whooshed through, holding Harry’s head tight against him to protect him from the soot. They arrived in a back room of the church. Sirius walked out with Harry cradled in his arms, Remus right behind them. They took their seats in the front of the church. He didn’t look at their bodies, not yet. He couldn’t. The church filled up quickly, everyone wanting to pay homage to the two final casualties of the war. Sirius looked around the room blankly. The entire Order was there, sitting in the rows behind Sirius and Remus. Alice and Frank were directly behind them. Alice smiled bleakly at him and reached out to squeeze his shoulder. He looked away and saw Petunia, sitting in a back corner of the church. She held a small boy on her lap, a little older than Harry. He saw most of their old professors and a lot of their classmates. Professor Dumbledore was sitting with Minerva towards the back of the room. He turned back to face the front when the officiant began to speak.

The tiny wizard spoke, but Sirius didn’t really hear him. The parchment folded in his inside pocket weighed heavily. He got up when the wizard spoke his name and walked numbly towards the podium to give the eulogy. On his way up, he caught sight of Lily and James. Their hands were folded over their chest, wands clasped between them. They both looked incredibly pale and serene. Lily’s hair was a sharp contrast to her skin, fiery red against milky white. She was dressed in a light blue dress. James’ dark skin looked different as well, almost transparent. His black hair still stuck up all over the place and his Gryffindor scarf was tucked around him, over his dress robes. It hit Sirius then, really hit him. _They were gone_. Sirius would never again laugh with his best friend, never rile Lily up just because he could. He’d never hug Lily, warm and soft against him. He’d never watch James play with Harry, the man was a goofball but he had been a natural at fatherhood. Tears filled Sirius’ eyes, hot and heavy. He walked up to the podium and pulled the eulogy he had written out of his robes with shaking hands.

“Lily and James…” He couldn’t get past their names. He tried again. “Lily and J-James…” His tears spilled over. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk about his best friends, his family, in front of everyone. He looked down, his breathing shallow and ragged. There was a vague ringing in his ears. He could hear the people whispering, his breathing sped up and he thought he was going to pass out-

Warm hands gripped his shoulders and Sirius fell into them. He knew who it was, didn’t need to look. Remus. “Padfoot, Pads, shh…I know, I know…”

Sirius clung to Remus, soft sobs wracking his body. He didn’t care that they were in a room full of people. James and Lily were gone and nothing was going to fix it.

“Padfoot, come on, let’s go sit down…” Remus started to walk away, pulling Sirius with him.

Sirius stopped and shook his head. Tears still streamed down his face but he wiped them away. He had to do it. He grabbed Remus’ hand in his own and stared into his eyes. Remus had been crying too, Sirius could tell from his red rimmed eyes. “Don’t leave my side.” He tugged Remus back to the podium and felt Remus’ arm wrap around his waist. He stared down at the parchment, took a deep breath, and began to speak.

“Lily and James Potter…”

When Sirius was done speaking, he sagged back against Remus. The taller man helped Sirius back to their seats. Alice held Harry close, Neville in Frank’s arms. Sirius took his godson and sat back down, holding Harry against his chest. He felt Remus’ arm snake around his shoulders and didn’t object to the show of affection. He instead leaned into it, resting his head against Remus’ shoulder.

The funeral was over fairly quickly after that. People mingled in the lobby, looking at pictures of Lily and James and telling stories. Sirius felt as though he talked to every person in the room by the end of it. When the majority of the people had left, the close family and friends gathered inside the church. It was time for the final goodbye before they sealed the caskets and lowered Lily and James into the ground forever.

Sirius took Remus’ hand as they walked up the aisle of the church, towards their friends. They were the last ones to say goodbye. He carried Harry in his other arm, the boy’s head resting in the crook of Sirius’ neck. It was the longest walk of Sirius’ life, the aisle of the church stretching on endlessly. When they finally reached the caskets, Harry looked down. His face broke into a wide smile and he tried to wiggle out of Sirius’ arms.

“Mama! Dada!” Harry called brightly, as though trying to wake his parents up. Sirius clutched him tighter, hot tears streaming down his face. Harry’s face morphed into one of confusion, as Lily and James did not wake up to play with him. “Mama? Dada?” His lower lip began to tremble and Minerva swooped in, taking Harry into her arms.

“I can handle him. You two…say your goodbyes.” Minerva’s voice was slightly shaky but she walked away with Harry, who had begun to cry.

Remus approached them first. He kissed Lily’s forehead, then leaned down to ruffle James’ hair. “Mischief managed, Prongs. Thank you.” He whispered, voice trembling. He couldn’t say anymore, there was too much he wanted to say. So he simply backed away, moving so Sirius could step forward.

Sirius leaned down and kissed Lily’s forehead softly, wincing at the cool feel of her skin. In life, Lily Evans had been anything but cool. She burned with a fiery personality to match her hair and when you got past that, she was the warmest, most loving person Sirius had ever met. It was just wrong for such a person to feel so cold.

_“Sirius, we need to ask you something.”_

_Sirius sat down at the edge of Lily’s hospital bed, holding little Harry close to his chest. He looked up at her, a wide smile on his face. “What is it?” He returned his attention to Harry almost instantly, he was already wrapped around the little boy’s finger._

_Lily glanced at James, who took her hand. “We’d like you to be Harry’s godfather.”_

_Sirius froze, he looked up at them with wide eyes. “What? Me?”_

_“Of course you, is there anyone else named Sirius in the room?” Lily rolled her eyes affectionately. “Please? James just might cry if you say no.”_

_Sirius smiled. “Well, we can’t have that. Of course. I’d be honored.”_

_Lily reached out and took his hand, squeezing it lightly. “You’ll be brilliant.”_

 “Love you, Lils.” His voice shook slightly and he pulled away from her. He then turned to James and fell to his knees, feeling as though the weight of his grief was pushing him to the floor. He slumped over his best friend’s body, memories flashing through his mind.

“Prongs…fuck, we should have had so many more adventures together. I’ve got no idea what I’m going to do without you.” He curled tighter around James, tears spilling onto James’ dress robes that Sirius knew he would have hated. “I never told you thank you for everything. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for sitting with me on the train that first day and pulling pranks with me and everything else we got up to.”

_Sirius found an empty compartment and flopped down, glad to be rid of Narcissa. She was so focused on Lucius that she didn’t even notice when Sirius slipped away. He groaned as the compartment door opened. “Go away, Narcissa. I’m not in the mood to discuss Lucius’ peacocks.”_

_“Blimey, who would be?” Sirius whipped his head around when he heard a voice that was definitely not Narcissa’s. A boy was standing there, dark skinned and with messy black hair. He wore round spectacles that he kept pushing up his nose. “Next time this Lucius brings up his peacock, I’d back away slowly if I were you.”_

_Sirius laughed then. “If only I could.” He grinned as the boy sat across from him. “I’m Sirius.”_

_“James.” The boy replied, a smile on his face._

“Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for showing me that I was loved. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry I never told you when you were here to call me a sap and thump me on the head.” He didn’t want to move, couldn’t move. When he moved they’d close the lid and Sirius would never see his brother’s face again. “You were my brother. Not like my brother, not the next best thing. You were my brother and brothers should never have to bury each other.” He broke down fully then, sobs shaking his body for the second time that day. He wanted to go down with James, be in the ground with him.

_Sirius couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. The pain was so great. He stumbled off the Knight Bus to the Potter’s front door and knocked, falling to a heap just as Euphemia opened the door. He heard her yell for Fleamont before he passed out._

_~_

_When Sirius woke up, there was a weight on his legs. He groaned and lifted his head, looking around. He was lying in James’ room and the weight on his legs was James’ head. His friend was asleep, his glasses pushed against his forehead. Sirius reached down and gently shook James._

_James shot up and looked around. He straightened his glasses and smiled slightly at Sirius. “Padfoot, hey.”_

_Sirius smiled back as best he could. “Hiya, Prongs.”_

_“Do you…do you wanna talk about it?”_

_Sirius hesitated before nodding. “My mum…she kicked me out. Disowned me, blasted me off the family tree. I didn’t know where else to go.”_

_James nodded, as though Sirius had only confirmed his suspicions. “Well, Mum and Dad said you could stay here. We were already like brothers, now it’ll just be official.” He grinned._

_“James, no, I couldn’t do that to-“_

_“Pads, stop. It’s already settled.” James smiled at him. “Don’t worry, alright? You’re part of the family. We look out for each other.”_

Arms wrapped around him and tried to pull him back. Sirius screamed and clung to James, not wanting to part from him. “No, NO! Please, no…I want to go with him, let me go with him…” He begged, screaming again when he was pulled.

“Sirius, let go.” Remus’ voice was soft in his ear and Sirius’ grip went slack. He allowed Remus to pull him back and turned, burying his face in Remus’ chest. He heard the soft clunk of the lids and clung to Remus tighter. The caskets floated down the aisle, the officiant leading them with his wand. The small procession walked out to the graveyard, Remus half carrying Sirius, and watched as they were lowered into the ground. The soft dirt around the graves began to fall, filling the holes in seconds. The wizard waved his wand again and the gravestone appeared, white marble and gleaming.

Alice stepped forward and waved her wand. A bouquet of white lilies appeared and she set them gently in front of stone. Sirius watched with dull eyes, the numb feeling returning once again. He pulled away from Remus and stepped forward, touching the stone briefly. He then turned back to the group and took Harry from Minerva. The toddler looked up at him and patted Sirius’ cheek clumsily. “Pad sad.”

Sirius smiled and kissed his forehead gently. “I’m alright, Harry.” He had to be. For Harry. He felt Remus’ hand on the small of his back guiding him out of the graveyard and went without a fight. He didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based a lot of the funeral scene around my brother's funeral, just to kind of let you guys know where I got the ideas from. Please comment or leave kudos if you're liking this so far!


	4. Chapter 4

Frank and Alice were attacked one week after Sirius and Remus moved into their new house.

After the funeral, they had found a house near the village of Ottery St Catchpole. It was perfect for them. It was a little stone house, with four bedrooms and two bathrooms. There was a large garden out back and two Wizarding families nearby, the Weasleys on one side and the Lovegoods on the other. Sirius loved it. They had packed up their flats and the Potter’s house fairly quickly, with the help of their friends. It was time to move on. Sirius did not like the constant stream of people that came to see Harry at headquarters and he wanted some peace and quiet. The Order was disbanding at any rate and headquarters wasn’t an option to stay in even if they wanted to.

Sirius had just settled down on the couch for the night to read one of his motorcycle magazines when there was a knock on the door. He frowned and checked the time. It was almost 10:00, it didn’t make sense for anyone to be calling at that hour. He grabbed his wand and crept towards the door, looking through the peephole. It was Kingsley. Sirius opened the door, worry settling in the pit of his stomach. A visit from a member of the Order late at night rarely meant good news. Kingsley stepped inside, his expression bleak.

“What happened?” Sirius asked quietly, closing the door behind the man.

Kingsley sighed. “It’s Alice and Frank. They’re…”

Sirius gasped. “No…”

Kingsley looked away. “They’re not dead. It’s…It’s worse than that. They were tortured by a few Death Eaters. They’re…well, they’re not themselves. They don’t move, they don’t talk, nothing. Like vegetables. They’re in St Mungo’s now. The Healers are trying a few things but…it doesn’t look good. We just found them a couple hours ago.”

Remus walked in just then and Kingsley repeated what he had told Sirius, but Sirius didn’t really hear him. Frank and Alice had been so kind to them, so generous. They supported Remus and Sirius and helped them so much with Harry. Hearing what they had been reduced to disgusted Sirius, he felt as though he was going to be ill. They were worse than dead, it sounded like.

“Who did it?” Sirius asked suddenly. “The Death Eaters, have you caught them?

Kingsley looked highly uncomfortable. “Yes, we’ve caught them. Barty Crouch Jr. was one of them. That was a bit of a shock, to find him there. And…the Lestranges. We apprehended them as well.”

Sirius went cold as his cousin’s face flashed through his mind. “Of course.” He muttered, hatred for his family coursing through his bloodstream once again.

Kingsley sighed. “Augusta wants privacy right now. She’s got Neville but she’s asked for no visitors. We’re trying to spread the word. I’ve got to get back. I’ll let you know if anything else happens.” He turned and walked out the door. Sirius stood there for a few moments, watching as Kingsley disappeared. He slowly shut the door, hands shaking.

Sirius turned to Remus, who had gone quite pale. “I can’t believe this. The war is supposed to be over. We still aren’t safe.” Sirius went to the living room and sat down, head in his hands. Frank and Alice were both extremely skilled, top of their class at Hogwarts. If they had been unable to keep themselves safe, how were Sirius and Remus supposed to keep Harry safe. He felt the couch dip beside him and a tentative hand clasped his shoulder.

“We’re safe, Sirius. The people who did this are going to Azkaban, they won’t be able to hurt anyone else. Maybe…Maybe the Healers will be able to do something.” Remus squeezed his shoulder gently. “We have to stay strong, alright? For Harry.”

Sirius nodded slowly. “Yeah.” He lifted his head up. “Yeah, you’re right.” He got to his feet. “I’m going to head to bed, Remus. Goodnight.”

“Sirius…” But Sirius was already gone up the stairs. He didn’t want to talk, he felt nauseous. He walked into his bedroom and slowly started to undress. Once his pajamas were on, he climbed into bed and tried to fall asleep. After what felt like hours, he finally managed to drift into an uneasy slumber.

_“Bella, stop!” Regulus’ cry rang out and Sirius raced to his brother’s bedroom. He skidded to a stop in the doorway and gasped at what he saw._

_Bellatrix had a live mouse suspended in midair, laughing. She kept making it do flips and twirls, the terrified creature struggling to get away. She had come of age only the week before and was using magic at every opportunity. Sirius ran into the room and snatched the mouse out of the air. He glared at Bellatrix, who was still laughing._

_“Aw, Sirius, why’d you have to ruin the game?” She cooed, her voice sickly sweet._

_Sirius set the mouse down and it tried to scamper off. Bella held her wand out and summoned it back to her. With a grin she went over to the window and dropped the creature out, three stories from the ground._

_Regulus cried out. “Bella! You killed it!”_

_Sirius glared at Bellatrix. “Get out.” He said firmly._

_Bellatrix laughed again as she made her way to the door. “I only came to say hello to my favorite cousin, not my fault you came barging in.”_

_“Oh, I’m not your favorite? I’m heartbroken.” Sirius snapped. He was only eleven but he wasn’t scared of Bellatrix._

_Bellatrix’s deranged smile turned to more of a snarl. “I’d learn to show some respect, Sirius.” She walked out of the room, the door slamming behind her._

Sirius woke up from his dream, gasping for air. His chest heaved as he tried to calm down. That was one of his worst childhood memories. His poor brother had been traumatized. It was the first time Sirius realized that there might have actually been something wrong with Bellatrix, that she wasn’t just a mean older cousin. He laid back down and tried to go back to sleep, but got up after only a few minutes. It was useless. He grabbed his wand and went to Harry’s room to check on him.

Moonlight filtered through the window, giving the room enough light for Sirius to make his way. He lifted Harry out of his crib and sat down in the rocking chair, cradling his godson close to his chest. Harry looked so peaceful in sleep, almost angelic. His black hair stuck up at odd angles already and Sirius could tell he would be a perfect replica of James when he was older. Except his eyes. Hidden behind his eyelids were bright green, just like Lily. Sirius kissed the top of Harry’s head gently, then looked at the picture they hung on Harry’s wall. It was one of James, Lily, and Harry that Sirius had taken. Lily was laughing at James who had green goo all over the front of his shirt. Harry had tried peas for the first time and decided he was not a fan, prompting him to throw the bowl at James with startling accuracy. James had a large, excited smile on his face. (“ _Did you see how he threw that? He’s going to be a Chaser, Lils, I can tell!” “James, love, you have peas on your neck.”_ ) It was one of Sirius’ favorite pictures.

Sirius looked down at Harry. “You are so loved, Harry.” He whispered to the sleeping toddler. “More than you will ever understand. We’re going to keep you safe, Harry. You’ve got two kickass guardian angels watching out for you and…you’ve got me. And Remus. I know we’re not going to be perfect but we’re going to do our best to raise you right.” He smiled sadly, a tear dripping down his cheek. “One day, when it doesn’t feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest, I’m going to tell you about a group of boys. I’ll tell you stories about their adventures. All of them were very different but they came together and made a family. There was Wormtail, who didn’t come up with ideas but was very, very kind to his friends and liked to help them with their pranks. Then there was Padfoot, who didn’t come from a happy home. The other three boys gave him the family he always wanted. And Moony, who was the sweetest boy in the world and better behaved than his three friends but came up with the ideas for a lot of their pranks. Padfoot rather foolishly fell in love with him, but that’s a different story. Then…Then there was Prongs.” His voice cracked. “Prongs was a force to be reckoned with. He was passionate about everything he did. He was became Padfoot’s brother. The four of them had great adventures and they loved each other unconditionally, they promised to remain loyal to each other. And they did, for a while. Until one of them didn’t. But I won’t tell you about that until you’re much, much older. You deserve to have stories with happy endings.”

Harry shifted slightly and Sirius stopped talking, just holding Harry against his chest. He couldn’t believe what had happened to Frank and Alice. Poor Neville…he was as good as orphaned, unless the Healers pulled off something miraculous. The Longbottoms were good people, they didn’t deserve that. But Lily and James had also been good people. War didn’t care about who was good and who was bad. It took and it took and it took, until there was a winner. The Order had lost so many during the war. People Sirius knew, went to school with. So many people, cut down before their lives had even really started.

Remus’ voice broke through Sirius’ thoughts. “Sirius? You alright?” The other man was standing in the doorway of the nursery, concern obvious in his voice.

Sirius looked up. “Yeah. I couldn’t sleep.” He got up and placed Harry in his crib, then led Remus into the hallway. He closed the door to the nursery quietly behind him. “What are you doing up?”

Remus shrugged. “Same thing, I guess. I was going to the kitchen to make some tea. Want to join me?”

Sirius hesitated a moment before nodding. He followed Remus into the kitchen and grabbed two mugs from the cupboard as Remus put the kettle on. “Any particular reason you couldn’t sleep?”

Remus sighed. “Just…Frank and Alice. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it. Plus it’s getting close to the full moon. You know how it is.”

Sirius nodded and sat down on one of the stools at the counter. He remembered nights in their dormitory, sitting on Remus’ bed with a silencing charm around them and the curtains drawn tight. Those were happier times, simpler times. Sirius’ heart hadn’t been broken yet and he was just a boy with a crush. He’d kissed Remus for the first time on one of those nights. It had been quick and soft, but the following ones had been anything but. After that, their late nights became heated and sloppy with long kisses and wandering hands. They had been young and in love, after all. Some of Sirius’ favorite memories from school had happened there, curled up on Remus’ bed.

“Sirius?” Remus had reached over and touched his wrist. Sirius pulled his arm back quickly. “Are you alright?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, just thinking.” He looked away from Remus. “So, where are we going this full moon?”

Remus frowned. “We?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, we. I’m not letting you transform alone, Remus. Not when I could go with you.”

Remus shook his head. “You can’t, Sirius. Someone needs to stay with Harry.”

“We can get someone to watch him.”

“It isn’t safe.”

“Stop it. I’ll be fine, I always have been.”

“Yeah, when there was another large animal. What if I hurt you and you have to fight back?” Remus stared at him. “I don’t think you’re capable of that.”

Sirius stared back at him, undeterred. “Would James have let you go by yourself?”

It was a low blow and Sirius knew it, but it was also true. James would have been furious to know that Sirius let Remus go off alone on a full moon when Sirius was fully capable of going with him.

“What if we get hurt? What if I hurt you just enough or you hurt me just enough and we leave Harry alone? Really alone, Sirius, because there’s no one else to take him. We’re all he has.” Remus shot back.

Sirius’ face fell. He hadn’t thought of that. “Remus…”

“It’s fine. I can manage on my own.” Remus shook his head and finished making the tea. He set Sirius’ mug down in front of him. “Please, Sirius, don’t argue with me on this.”

Sirius reached across the counter and took Remus’ hand. “The wolf knows me. He wouldn’t hurt me.”

Remus blushed a bit and looked down. “I suppose. They mate for life, you know. He still sees you as his.”

Sirius’ cheeks turned slightly red and he pulled his hand back from Remus’. “So he wouldn’t hurt me. It’ll be fine. I’m coming with you, Remus.”

Remus nodded faintly and took a sip of his tea. “Alright.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, drinking their tea. “Sirius?” Remus was the one to break it. “Have you forgiven me?”

Sirius froze. They hadn’t spoken about their break up, aside from some passive aggressive comments on Sirius’ part. It was a touchy subject, one that would surely upset the delicate balance they had found. “I don’t know.” He finally said. “I don’t think so.”

Remus nodded slowly. “I suppose that’s fair. But do you think you will?”

Sirius was silent. He thought of after Remus left him, how he’d spiraled out of control until James and Lily had knocked some sense into him. Heavy drinking, smoking, hooking up with random guys then crying himself to sleep was a typical day. He’d gotten more reckless on missions as well, jumping headfirst into battle without caring if he lived or died. It was terrible. “I don’t know.” He replied again. “I wish I could say yes, eventually. But I don’t know.”

Remus looked away then. “I guess I’ll have to keep trying then.”

Sirius nodded absently. He brought a hand up to brush his hair out of his face and sighed. “I think I’m going to get another tattoo.

Remus frowned. “Really?”

“Yeah. A stag and a doe. I’m going to have them enchanted to walk around my chest.” Sirius had been tossing around the idea for a week or so, since they moved into the new house. “I think it’d be a good way to…you know.”

Sirius could practically feel Remus’ eyes boring a hole in his shirt, straight through to his left hip where he’d had a moon tattooed that was enchanted to change along with the phases of the actual moon. He’d gotten that in fifth year, along with a pair of pawprints, deer tracks, and rat prints that walked up over his chest and back. The summer after, he’d gone out and gotten the crest of Gryffindor tattooed on his left bicep. He did that right after his mother kicked him out. The first time he saw Regulus at school after that, he snuck out to Hogsmeade with James and got a tattoo of the constellation Leo on his right shoulder. Then when they joined the Order, Sirius got a phoenix on his right forearm and the letters MWPP on his left. On his chest, he had a tattoo that he’d gotten for Harry right after he was born. The date 31-7-80 along with a baby stag that would grow with Harry. He’d gotten a lot of tattoos over the years and they all had meaning. But Sirius knew Remus was staring directly at the moon, the tattoo Sirius had gotten for him. He shifted awkwardly and Remus looked up.

“Right. Well, when you decide to go let me know. I’ll go with you.” Remus smiled at him slightly.

Sirius nodded. It would be hard. For every tattoo he’d gotten, James had been there. He knew the meaning behind every single one of them, something that not even Remus knew. “Alright then.”

Remus finished his tea then and placed his mug in the sink. Sirius finished off his own mug and set it next to Remus’. They went up the stairs together, pausing at Sirius’ door.

“Goodnight, Padfoot.” Remus finally said. He turned and walked down the hall to his room.

Sirius went into his room and laid down on his bed. He fell asleep after a while, dreams of his cousin plaguing him.

~

He got the tattoo two days later. Remus sat next to him as the artist worked. Once it was done, the doe and stag ran across Sirius’ chest for a bit then laid down together directly above Sirius’ heart. They both left the tattoo parlor with slightly red eyes, but neither of them said anything about it.


End file.
